7 Signs it's Time to Start Making Changes Today

While there are plenty of positive changes we seek in life – new relationships, new experiences, better education, etc. – for most of us, change represents uncertainty. With uncertainty comes insecurity and worry. The truth is, change isn’t always easy to deal with, but it’s something we have to embrace openly. We have to force a smile as best we can and push ourselves forward.

Most of us want change as much as we are afraid of it. We say things like, “I’m so unhappy in my marriage, but I'm afraid of being alone.” “I’m sick of working in a corporate cubicle, but I make decent money.” “I can’t stand where I live, but I own my home and it would be hard to sell.”

When we resist change, it’s because we’re still holding on to what life is asking us to release. Whether it’s planned or unplanned change, we are being asked to re-examine our path and consider what direction we really want to travel.Change is part of living. And whether you like it or not, it’s going to take place with or without your approval. It could be something small (your company assigned you to a new project), or gigantic (death, divorce, or disability). Life has a natural way of forcing us to grow.

Based on my own experience and that of thousands of coaching clients MIcKY and I have worked with over the years, change is much more enjoyable if you make positive changes consciously and adapt as necessary, instead of waiting for the universe to do it for you. Here are seven signs it is time to make some changes:1. When you romanticize about the past to escape the present. – Ask yourself why you're afraid to look at the present, and take steps to create a more positive path for yourself.2. When you feel numb. – When we feel numb to life, it's because we’ve lost passion and motivation. Ask yourself if you're just going through the motions every day. Shake up your routine. Try doing more of what you love each day – make it a priority on your planner and watch your enthusiasm come back.

3. When you resist good opportunities out of fear of the unknown or what others may think. – First off, forget what others think. What do you think? Instead of holding onto what isn’t working, be open to exploring new ideas and making room for what will work.4. When your current situation is not supporting your growth. – Be willing to let go of what no longer serves you. Some situations, places, hobbies and people have expiration dates. As you grow and change, so do your needs. Staying in situations that no longer serve you will only keep you trapped and running in place. Give yourself permission to break free of what’s holding you back. 5. When you start to lie to yourself and others to avoid the truth. – Lying creates inner turmoil, shame and guilt. Instead of letting these feelings fester, ask yourself what you're running from that you’re are afraid to admit. If you aren’t doing what you say, ask yourself why you’re over-promising. When your actions no longer align with your words, it’s time to rethink things. Actions will always speak louder than words.6. When your relationships feel superficial. – Sometimes taking a short break from a friend or romantic partner is the best thing for your personal well-being and your relationships.7. When you sense you are settling. – Trust the intrinsic nudges coming to you. These inspirational, inner pushes are the catalyst to propel you into a happier and healthy life. Repeat the mantra, “I do not settle. I am worthy of my desires and believe in my abilities and well-being.”

8 Hard Truths About Happiness No One Wants to Admit

Hard Truths About Happiness No One Wants to Admit

Some people appear to be happy-go-lucky on the outside, but they struggle desperately behind closed doors and never give the matter much thought as to why.  They distract themselves with TV, or social media, or whatever it takes to drown out the pain and the truth about their unhappiness. Other people make lavish, life-long plans based on what they have been told “should” make them happy: “I’m going to marry the perfect man/woman, we’re going to buy our dream house and a couple cars, and we’re going to raise our children in the suburbs.”  But then they wake up ten years into their plan feeling unfulfilled and depressed. Can you relate at all?  I certainly can.  Many of us suffer in similar ways. As long as we’re busy doing whatever it is that distracts us from the truth – the whole truth about our happiness and ourselves – we go through life like stones tumbling aimlessly down a mountainside.  We bounce and react impulsively to the surrounding environment, and we blunder onward with no clear idea as to where we’re headed or why.We awake every morning wishing we could sleep in.  Then we begin each day’s work with the foremost intention to stop working as soon as feasibly possible.  Our minds grow numb to the monotony of a comfortable yet draining routine.  And somewhere along the line, as each day fades into the next, we get our house (sometimes a really big one) and cars (sometimes really fancy ones), and we start a family under pressure… and we never stop to question it all until we feel empty inside, often a decade or two later… as our smiles continue to betray the sadness that we refuse to speak of, and perhaps don’t even fully know we carry. This is how many of us live our lives – in a state of denial.  We deny the truth about how unhappy we are.  We deny the truth about how distracted we are.  We deny the truth about how little time and effort we put into the things that matter most to us.  And so it goes. But the good news is, we can change.  All of us can.

Right here, right now, we can start by admitting that…

1.    We often choose to focus on the wrong things – the things that do NOT make us happy. – Here’s a universal law of happiness and success: What you pay attention to grows!  So focus on what truly matters, let go of what does not, and feel the genuine, positive power that flows from your decision to rise above all the drama and petty distractions.

2.    Most of us don’t need more to be happier – we need less. – When things aren’t adding up in your life, start subtracting.  Life gets a lot simpler and more enjoyable when you clear the clutter (emotional and physical) that makes it unreasonably complicated. 

3.    Our expectations tend to get in the way of otherwise good days. – On a daily basis, wouldn’t you rather be pleasantly surprised than hopelessly disappointed?  You can be.  A big part of your immediate contentment relies on your willingness to let go of what you assumed your life is supposed to be like right now and openly appreciate it for everything that it is.

4.    Most of what worries us today has absolutely nothing to do with today. – If you worry too much about what might be or what might have been, you will ignore and totally miss what is.  Worry is the greatest opposition to the present moment.  It does nothing but steal your joy and keep you incredibly busy doing absolutely nothing worthwhile at all.

5.    Old wounds have nothing to do with the present potential for happiness. – Do your best to let GO!  And remember, letting go isn’t about having the ability to forget the past – it’s about having the wisdom and strength to embrace the present.  You have a choice, to be positive and free or to be imprisoned by your own negativity – to live in the past or to be mindful about the present.

6.    It isn’t what happens, but how we respond that makes us or breaks us. – Being happy and positive does not mean ignoring the negative – being happy and positive means overcoming the negative.  There is a big difference between the two.  Truly, the biggest and most complex obstacle you will ever have to overcome is your mind.  If you can overcome that, you can overcome anything.

7.    The draw of short-term comfort often robs us of long-term happiness. – Don’t just make the safe and easy choices because you’re afraid of what might happen; if you do, nothing good will ever happen.  You can be comfortable or courageous, but rarely both at once.  Remember this… remember to stretch yourself in the right direction, one tiny step at a time.  Don’t let fear and complacency decide your fate.  Quit talking about what you want to do and begin doing it.  Laziness may appear attractive, but meaningful work leads to happiness.

8.    There are friends and family members in our lives who bring us down. – Although happiness comes from within, it’s never in your best interests to share lots of time with people who constantly bring you down (even if they’re a friend or family member).  Because, if you’re the kind of person who believes there’s something out there for you beyond whatever it is you’re expected to do – if you want to be extraordinary – you can’t get there by shackling yourself to those who hold you back.  Instead, you will very likely become just as ordinary as they expect you to be.  And there’s absolutely no reason to do that to yourself. 

9.    Closing Thoughts

10.                       At the very least, I hope this short post reminds you to pause and ask yourself…

11.                       “Am I making meaningful use of this scarce and precious day?”

12.                       That’s a simple question Micky and I challenge our course students and live seminar attendees to ask themselves anytime they feel unhappiness washing over them.

13.                       Unhappiness is very often a sign that we’re too busy doing the wrong things.  And make no mistake about it, this kind of busyness is a widespread, modern-day sickness!

14.                       We fill our calendars and our social media feeds with all kinds of busyness, oftentimes just to avoid being still… to avoid being exactly who we are, exactly where we are.  The instant we feel a bit idle, we run off in the direction of the nearest shiny object that catches our attention.  And in the process, we not only miss out on the serenity and beauty that exists within ourselves, but we also miss out on experiencing that same serenity and beauty in the environment around us.  Our busyness has blinded us with “hurry” and “worry,” and the endless need to be somewhere else, doing something else, as fast as possible.

15.                       And that’s the real tragedy of it: we confuse being busy with being effective.  We feel a day late and a buck short across the board, because our daily efforts are completely misaligned with our priorities.

16.                       So unhappiness festers.

17.                       But it doesn’t have to.  Not anymore.

18.                       Right now, we can slow down and face the truth.

19.                       Together.

20.                       Your turn…

21.                       Which of the points mentioned above do you sometimes struggle with?  How have you coped?  What other truths have you learned and accepted that have helped you find happiness?

CLINTONFAZE

To make mistakes is human;
to stumble is commonplace;
to be able to laugh at yourself is maturity.”

HOW DO YOU SETTLE YOUR RELATIONSHIP ISSUES

THINGS YOU NEED TO DO WHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP GETS TOUGH

All of this has given us keen insight into the behaviors and habits that make relationships work well in the long run.  In our course and coaching, and at our live events, Micky and I often refer to these as the “qualities of conscious, loving relationships.”

So what exactly is a conscious, loving relationship?

It’s a relationship, intimate or platonic, in which…

1.  Both people are emotionally self-reliant.

If your happiness is dependent on the constant validation and approval you receive from someone else, then you are giving away far too much of your power.  It’s human nature to want to be liked and admired, to want to be included, but it’s damaging to your self-esteem and emotional strength if it’s something you have to constantly fight for.

The key is to nurture your own inner strength, and then bring it into your relationships with you.

Think of a relationship as a home you live in.  Whether you like your home or not doesn’t depend on how the furniture is arranged – it’s how you arrange your mind.  You have to decide to love yourself in it, and then radiate this inner love outwards.

All the love and validation you need is yours to give yourself.  So the next time you feel pressured to impress someone, try taking a deep breath and then remind yourself that you don’t owe anyone your constant justification.  Revel in the reality that you get to choose.  You have the authority to decide how to spend your time and energy.  And here’s the real beauty of it: When you don’t owe anyone anything – when you’re self-reliant – you’re free to give and receive love from the heart, without baggage.

Come from this place of wholeness, of inner strength and independence, and then love others.  Not because you need them to love you back, not because you’re desperate to be needed, but because loving them is a miraculous thing to do.

2.  There’s a solid foundation of mutual acceptance.

Above all, acceptance means two people agree to disagree with each other on some things, and they’re perfectly OK with it.

Differences of opinion (even major ones) don’t destroy relationships – it’s how people in a relationship deal with their inevitable differences that counts.

Some friends and couples waste years trying to change each other’s mind, but this can’t always be done, because many of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences in how they see the world and how they see themselves.  By fighting over these deep-seated differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and running their relationship into the ground.

So how do conscious, loving friends and couples cope with disagreements that can’t be resolved?

They accept one another as is – they understand that problems are an inevitable part of any long-term relationship, in the same way chronic physical difficulties are inevitable as we grow older and wiser.  These problems are like a weak knee or a bad back – we may not want these problems, but we’re able to cope with them, to avoid situations that irritate them, and to develop strategies that help us ease the pain.  Psychologist Dan Wile said it best in his book After the Honeymoon: “When choosing a long-term partner or friend, you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next 10, 20 or 50 years.”

So just remember that the foundation of love is to let those we care about be unapologetically themselves, and to not distort them to fit our own egotistical ideas of who they should be.  Otherwise we fall in love only with our own fantasies, and thus miss out entirely on their true beauty.  Let this be your reality check.  Instead of trying to change the people you care about, give them your support and grow together, as individuals.  (Micky and I discuss this in more detail in the “Relationships”

3.  Intentional communication is devotedly practiced.

No one on this green Earth is a mind reader.  Share your thoughts openly.  Give those you care about the information they need, rather than expecting them to know it all.  The more that remains unspoken, the greater the risk for problems.  Start communicating as clearly as possible.  Don’t try to read anyone’s mind, and don’t make anyone try to read yours.  Most problems, big and small, within a relationship start with broken communication.

Also, don’t listen so you can reply – listen to understand.  Open your ears and mind to people’s concerns and opinions without judgment.  Look at things from their perspective as well as your own.  Try to put yourself in their shoes.  Even if you don’t understand exactly where they’re coming from, you can still respect them.  You can still put your phone away, turn your body towards them, and look them square in the eyes.  Doing so demonstrates that you actually want to communicate with them and hear what they have to say.  This reinforces the sort of supportive environment that’s crucial for the growth of any relationship.

4.  Disagreements are dealt with positively.

When disagreements in a relationship arise, the easiest thing to do is to run away, especially if you’re not a confrontational person by nature.  But you have to catch yourself, because this isn’t just about YOU and whether or not you feel like dealing with your differences.  It’s about what your relationship needs in order to grow and thrive in the long run.  You have to put your relationship’s needs ahead of your own for a moment.  Both people must be committed to dealing with disagreements openly, because running from them will only make matters more difficult to deal with down the road.

One of the most simple and effective tools people in relationships can use to ease the process of dealing with disagreements is using positive language.  Relationships flourish when two people are able to share their innermost feelings and thoughts in a positive way.  One effective method of doing this during a disagreement is to do your best to avoid using the word “you” and try to use the word “I” instead.  This makes it much easier to express your true feelings while avoiding the possibility of verbally attacking the other person.  So… Instead of saying, “You are wrong,” try saying, “I don’t understand.”  Instead of telling them, “You always…” try saying “I often feel…”  It’s a subtle shift that can make a dig difference.  (Micky and I build conscious, loving communication rituals with our students in the “Love and Relationships”

5.  Both people are allowed to save face.

My grandmother once told me, “When somebody backs themselves into a corner, look the other way until they get themselves out, and then act as though it never happened.”  Allowing someone to save face in this way, and not reminding them of what they already know is not their most intelligent behavior, is an act of great kindness.  This is possible when you realize that people typically behave in such ways because they are in a place of momentary suffering.  They react to their own thoughts and feelings, and their behavior often has nothing to do with you.

At some point we all inevitably have unreasonable mood swings.  We all have bad days.  Giving your partner and friends the space to save face, and not taking things personally when they’re occasionally upset, cranky or having a bad day is a priceless gift.  Even if you are unquestionably right and they are unquestionably wrong, when emotions are flying high and you force them to lose face, you’re simply bruising their ego.  You’re accomplishing nothing but diminishing their own worth in their own eyes.

Do your best to let the people in your life preserve their dignity.  Give them space, let the emotions settle, and then have a rational conversation using the positive communication tactics discussed above in point #4.

6.  Personal growth is habitually sought and supported.

You know how to tell if something is alive and well?  You look for evidence of growth.

Conscious, loving relationships contain two people who are committed to lifelong learning and growth.  They’re curious about things.  They’re keen to learn from the world and from each other.  And because of their love for learning, they afford each other the freedom to develop as individuals within the relationship.

Throughout a decade of coaching our students, Micky and I have seen lots of unhappy relationships that were caused primarily by one or both people being clingy.  In a nutshell, these “clingy” people didn’t want their friends or partners to change.

But here’s the simple truth: Change is a part of the universe and human beings are no exception.

If you want to have a successful relationship, you’ve got to embrace personal growth with open arms, and all the changes that come with it.

Conscious, loving relationships always move in the direction of personal growth: for the relationship as a whole and for each individual in it.  When you connect with a true friend or partner, this person helps you find the best in yourself.  In this way, neither of you actually meet the best in each other – you both grow into your best selves by spending time together and nurturing each other’s growth.

7.  Love prevails.

This final point encompasses the previous six, and then some…

In a conscious, loving relationship, two people love each other more than they need each other.  Because of this, the relationship itself becomes a safe haven to practice love.

And love, ultimately, is a practice – a daily rehearsal of honesty, presence, communication, acceptance, forgiveness, and stretching the heart and mind through new and vulnerable dimensions.

Sadly, sometimes we treat love like it’s a destination.  We want to arrive at that “perfect” feeling all the time, and when we don’t, we’re not satisfied with what the relationship has become.  But this is missing the whole point of love – and it’s not a conscious thing to do.

Love is a daily journey.  It’s showing up for all the unexpected and inconvenient nuances of a relationship, taking a deep breath, and asking yourself, “What would love do here?”  The answer will be different almost every time, and because of this, you’ll be driven to think and grow beyond yourself.

A conscious, loving relationship is intensely committed to being the embodiment of love.  And through the mutual devotion two people practice, a continuous stream of tenderness, affection and wisdom shows up in their lives and in their relationship in immeasurable ways they could have never imagined or planned for.

Your turn…

How have your relationships been affected by the points discussed above?  How could you bring more consciousness and love into your relationships?

Master Your mindset

The Mind is Your Battleground (Here’s How to Master Your Mindset)

By Clinton Boniface

“There’s a vivid, beautiful, priceless piece of art hanging right in front of you.  It’s sophisticated and detailed – a painstaking labor of deep devotion and love.  The colors and textures are like no other – they soar and dip, they shine bright and leap right out at you!  And yet you choose to fixate your eyes on the tiny, dark housefly that has landed on the edge this masterpiece.  Why would you choose to do such a thing?”
She cracked a half smile in my direction and then shifted her gaze down to the ground.
“Look,” I said, “the point here is that there’s no possible way to be 100% certain about anything in this world.  Life, like good art, is sophisticated, complex and unpredictable.  So you’re left with a choice: either appreciate it and look for the beauty in it, or focus on the worst and dwell on it.”
But if you expect the worst, you’re never disappointed,” she said under her breath.
“Yeah, but who really lives like that?” I replied.  “No one – that’s who!  People die slowly every day like that, without ever truly living!”
That’s the gist of a Skype conversation I had recently with a new course student, who also attended our 2016 CLINTONFAZE seminar (I’m sharing this with her full permission).  She literally started the conversation by telling me that expecting negative things to happen is her way of coping with life’s challenges.  If you can relate in any way at all, it’s time to revamp your mindset.
And make no misunderstanding about it, when you are feeling down in the dumps, the battle you are going through isn’t fueled by the words or actions of others, and it isn’t fueled by what did or didn’t happen in the past either.  It’s fueled entirely by your mind that gives negativity a voice.
Believing in negative thoughts and acting on them is the single greatest barrier to living a good life.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the mind is your battleground.  It’s the place where the fiercest and most ruthless conflict resides.  It’s where half of the things you feared were going to happen, never actually happened.  It’s where your expectations always get the best of you.  It’s where you fall victim to your own train of thought time and time again.
And if you allow these self-defeating thoughts to dwell in your mind, they will succeed in robbing you of peace, joy, productivity, meaning, and ultimately your life.  You will think yourself into endless disappointment, heartache, and even depression.
Bottom line:  You are what you think!  And you can’t change anything if you can’t change your thinking.
But are you ready for the silver lining?
YOU CAN change the way you think.
And if you can change the way you think, you can master a new way to be.

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• We all struggle.
• We all suffer on the inside. Every day...
• We worry. We procrastinate.
• We feel overwhelmed.

• We feel angry.
• We feel lonely.
• We don’t feel good enough.
• We wish we were thinner.
• We wish we had more money.
• We wish our jobs were different.
• We wish our relationships were different.
• We think everything in life should be easier.
  
  And yet, every one of these struggles is self-created. They are real, but they are only real because we have created them in our minds. We have attached ourselves to certain ideals and fantasies about how life has to be in order to be good enough for us.
  
  We worry because things might not turn out how we expect. We procrastinate because we fear discomfort and failure. We feel overwhelmed because we think we should be further along than we are. We feel angry because life should not be this way. And so it goes.
  
  But it’s all in our heads.
  
  And it doesn’t have to be this way. At least not for YOU.
  
  You can think better… you can live better. This is a choice you can make.
  
  Take a deep breath, and let all that thinking and ruminating go. Just bring your attention to the present moment. Focus on what’s here with you now – the light, the sounds, your body, the ground under your feet, the objects and people moving and resting around you. Don’t judge these things against what they should be – just accept what they actually are. Because once you accept reality, you can improve it.
  
  See life as it is, without all the ideals and fantasies you’ve been preoccupied with. Let go of all of those stressful distractions, and just experience this moment.
  
  This moment is good enough as it is. Be here.
  
  You can go back to fretting about everything else in a minute.
  
  But before you do, now would also be an opportune time to remind yourself of some truths we tend to deny when we’re stuck too deep in our own heads...
  
  It’s easier to hold on to the way things are than it is to let go and grow. – Letting go and moving forward means coming to the realization that some things are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.
  
  1. There’s a lot about our lives we absolutely can’t control. – You cannot control everything that happens in life, but you can control how you respond. In your response is your greatest power.  (covered in the "Pain & Hardship" module of "Getting Back to Happy")
  
  2. Our expectations often make us utterly unhappy. – Happiness is letting go of what you assume your life is supposed to be like right now and sincerely appreciating it for everything that it is.  (covered in the "Happiness & Positive Living" module of "Getting Back to Happy")
  
  3. If we want the benefits of something in life, we have to also want the costs. – Most people dream of the rewards without the risks. The triumph without the trials. Don’t be one of them. Life doesn’t work that way. When you find something you want, start by asking yourself: What am I willing to give up to get it?  (covered in the "Goals & Growth" module of "Getting Back to Happy")
  
  4. Even with all our advancements, progress still requires old-fashioned work. – In a culture that seeks quick and easy results, we must learn the beauty of effort, patience, and perseverance. Be strong, be present, and build positive daily rituals that get you there. (Angel and I build positive, life-changing rituals with our students in the “Goals & Growth” module of Getting Back to Happy.)
  
  5. We never feel 100% ready when good opportunities arise. – Most great opportunities in life force us to grow emotionally and intellectually. They force us to stretch ourselves and our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first. And when we don’t feel comfortable, we don’t feel ready.
  
  6. Most of the arguments we have with one another are pointless. – Be selective in your battles. Oftentimes peace is better than being right. You simply don’t need to attend every argument you’re invited to.  (covered in the "Love & Relationships" module of "Getting Back to Happy")
  
  7. Many of us will have our lives cut short. – One way or another, none of us live forever. And it’s much harder to change the length of your life than it is to change the depth of it. So, how deep will you go today? That’s something you should reflect on. Because how we spend our days is how we spend our lives. 

  

  CLINTONFAZE CEO