All of this has given us keen insight into the behaviors and
habits that make relationships work well in the long run. In our course and
coaching, and at our live events,
Micky and I often refer to these as the “qualities of conscious, loving
relationships.”
So what exactly is a conscious, loving relationship?
It’s a relationship, intimate or platonic, in which…
1. Both people are emotionally self-reliant.
If your happiness is dependent on the constant validation and
approval you receive from someone else, then you are giving away far too much
of your power. It’s human nature to want to be liked and admired, to want
to be included, but it’s damaging to your self-esteem and emotional strength if
it’s something you have to constantly fight for.
The key is to nurture your own
inner strength, and then bring it into your relationships with you.
Think of a relationship as a home you live in. Whether you
like your home or not doesn’t depend on how the furniture is arranged – it’s
how you arrange your mind. You have to decide to love yourself in it, and
then radiate this inner love outwards.
All the love and validation you need is yours to give
yourself. So the next time you feel pressured to impress someone, try
taking a deep breath and then remind yourself that you don’t owe anyone your
constant justification. Revel in the reality that you get to
choose. You have the authority to decide how to spend your time and
energy. And here’s the real beauty of it: When you don’t owe anyone
anything – when you’re self-reliant – you’re free to give and receive love from
the heart, without baggage.
Come from this place of wholeness, of inner strength and
independence, and then love others. Not because you need them to love you
back, not because you’re desperate to be needed, but because loving them is a miraculous
thing to do.
2. There’s a solid foundation of mutual
acceptance.
Above all, acceptance means two people agree to disagree with
each other on some things, and they’re perfectly OK with it.
Differences of opinion (even major ones) don’t destroy
relationships – it’s how people in a relationship deal with their inevitable
differences that counts.
Some friends and couples waste years trying to change each
other’s mind, but this can’t always be done, because many of their
disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences in how they see the world
and how they see themselves. By fighting over these deep-seated
differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and running their relationship
into the ground.
So how do conscious, loving friends and couples cope with
disagreements that can’t be resolved?
They accept one another as is – they understand that problems
are an inevitable part of any long-term relationship, in the same way chronic
physical difficulties are inevitable as we grow older and wiser. These
problems are like a weak knee or a bad back – we may not want these problems,
but we’re able to cope with them, to avoid situations that irritate them, and
to develop strategies that help us ease the pain. Psychologist Dan Wile
said it best in his book After the
Honeymoon: “When choosing a long-term partner or friend, you
will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll
be grappling with for the next 10, 20 or 50 years.”
So just remember that the foundation of love is to let those we
care about be unapologetically themselves, and to not distort them to fit our
own egotistical ideas of who they should be. Otherwise we fall in love
only with our own fantasies, and thus miss out entirely on their true
beauty. Let this be your reality check. Instead of trying to change
the people you care about, give them your support and grow together, as
individuals. (Micky and I discuss this in more detail in the
“Relationships”
3. Intentional communication is devotedly
practiced.
No one on this green Earth is a mind reader. Share your
thoughts openly. Give those you care about the information they need,
rather than expecting them to know it all. The more that remains
unspoken, the greater the risk for problems. Start communicating as
clearly as possible. Don’t try to read anyone’s mind, and don’t make
anyone try to read yours. Most problems, big and small, within a
relationship start with broken communication.
Also, don’t listen so you can reply – listen to
understand. Open your ears and mind to people’s concerns and opinions
without judgment. Look at things from their perspective as well as your
own. Try to put yourself in their shoes. Even if you don’t
understand exactly where they’re coming from, you can still respect them.
You can still put your phone away, turn your body towards them, and look them
square in the eyes. Doing so demonstrates that you actually want to
communicate with them and hear what they have to say. This reinforces the
sort of supportive environment that’s crucial for the growth of any
relationship.
4. Disagreements are dealt with
positively.
When disagreements in a relationship arise, the easiest thing to
do is to run away, especially if you’re not a confrontational person by
nature. But you have to catch yourself, because this isn’t just about YOU
and whether or not you feel like dealing with your differences. It’s about
what your relationship needs in order to grow and thrive in the long run.
You have to put your relationship’s needs ahead of your own for a moment.
Both people must be committed to dealing with disagreements openly, because
running from them will only make matters more difficult to deal with down the
road.
One of the most simple and effective tools people in
relationships can use to ease the process of dealing with disagreements is
using positive language. Relationships flourish when two people are able
to share their innermost feelings and thoughts in a positive way. One
effective method of doing this during a disagreement is to do your best to
avoid using the word “you” and try to use the word “I” instead. This
makes it much easier to express your true feelings while avoiding the
possibility of verbally attacking the other person. So… Instead of
saying, “You are wrong,” try saying, “I don’t understand.” Instead of
telling them, “You always…” try saying “I often feel…” It’s a subtle
shift that can make a dig difference. (Micky and I build conscious,
loving communication rituals with our students in the “Love and Relationships”
5. Both people are allowed to save face.
My grandmother once told me, “When somebody backs themselves
into a corner, look the other way until they get themselves out, and then act
as though it never happened.” Allowing someone to save face in this way,
and not reminding them of what they already know is not their most intelligent
behavior, is an act of great kindness. This is possible when you realize
that people typically behave in such ways because they are in a place of
momentary suffering. They react to their own thoughts and feelings, and
their behavior often has nothing to do with you.
At some point we all inevitably have unreasonable mood
swings. We all have bad days. Giving your partner and friends the
space to save face, and not taking
things personally when they’re occasionally upset, cranky or having
a bad day is a priceless gift. Even if you are unquestionably right and
they are unquestionably wrong, when emotions are flying high and you force them
to lose face, you’re simply bruising their ego. You’re accomplishing
nothing but diminishing their own worth in their own eyes.
Do your best to let the people in your life preserve their
dignity. Give them space, let the emotions settle, and then have a
rational conversation using the positive communication tactics discussed above
in point #4.
6. Personal growth is habitually sought
and supported.
You know how to tell if something is alive and well? You
look for evidence of growth.
Conscious, loving relationships contain two people who are
committed to lifelong learning and growth. They’re curious about
things. They’re keen to learn from the world and from each other.
And because of their love for learning, they afford each other the freedom to
develop as individuals within the relationship.
Throughout a decade of coaching our
students, Micky and I have seen lots of unhappy relationships that
were caused primarily by one or both people being clingy. In a nutshell,
these “clingy” people didn’t want their friends or partners to change.
But here’s the simple truth: Change is a part of the universe
and human beings are no exception.
If you want to have a successful relationship, you’ve got to
embrace personal growth with open arms, and all the changes that come with it.
Conscious, loving relationships always move in the direction of
personal growth: for the relationship as a whole and for each individual in
it. When you connect with a true friend or partner, this person helps you
find the best in yourself. In this way, neither of you actually meet the
best in each other – you both grow into your best selves by spending time
together and nurturing each other’s growth.
7. Love prevails.
This final point encompasses the previous six, and then some…
In a conscious, loving relationship, two people love each other
more than they need each other. Because of this, the relationship itself
becomes a safe haven to practice love.
And love, ultimately, is a practice – a daily rehearsal of
honesty, presence, communication, acceptance, forgiveness, and stretching the
heart and mind through new and vulnerable dimensions.
Sadly, sometimes we treat love like it’s a destination. We
want to arrive at that “perfect” feeling all the time, and when we don’t, we’re
not satisfied with what the relationship has become. But this is missing
the whole point of love – and it’s not a conscious thing to do.
Love is a daily journey. It’s showing up for all the
unexpected and inconvenient nuances of a relationship, taking a deep breath,
and asking yourself, “What would love do here?” The answer will be
different almost every time, and because of this, you’ll be driven to think and
grow beyond yourself.
A conscious, loving relationship is intensely committed to being
the embodiment of love. And through the mutual devotion two people
practice, a continuous stream of tenderness, affection and wisdom shows up in
their lives and in their relationship in immeasurable ways they could have
never imagined or planned for.
Your turn…
How have your relationships been affected by the points
discussed above? How could you bring more consciousness and love into
your relationships?